Things I was reminded of while watching Inside Out...

Riley and I are not so different. I moved lots, and my childhood mantra was "Don't worry; Be happy." I have dealt with and continue to deal with the challenges of maintaining mental health. Here are a few things that I was reminded of while watching Pixar's Inside Out.

there are no shortcuts to happiness/healing--abstract reasoning, imagination station, train, etc.
Be patient. 

the speed at which the islands fall apart seems shocking; it really happens slowly and then all at once (you don’t notice something’s wrong until the all-at-once happens). Islands can be rebuilt. Don't lose hope.

pay attention to what emotions are missing from headquarters. why? What do you need to do to get them back?

when sadness starts touching all your memories, dig a little deeper into why (stress? are you allowing yourself to feel? pay attention to your emotions.)

there is a place for sadness (encouraging imaginary friend & waking up Riley). Don’t disregard it. Riley's parents didn't know what she was feeling because she hid her sadness, assuming that she needed to be happy for her parents' sake. Sadness has an important role to play, but ensure you have support systems around you like Riley’s hockey team, parents, and friends. It’s okay to have core memories that are sad. 

Which core memories have shaped you?
What are your primary islands? Have you let any slip lately? What do you need to start to rebuild and heal?


Heart-song echoes.

When an album expresses your heart better than you can.


Heart strings.

Red dirt. Mango trees. Bougainvillia. Skinny cows. Percussion-based music. Heat of the sun. Dragging time. Heavy watered air. Boats. Worn taxis. Friendly people. Flat houses/rooftops. Palm trees. Burning field. The lifestyle. The friendships that could have been. The ocean. Sweet fresh fruit. Community. Lazy days. Transportation. Weathered smiling people. Poverty. Richness. Star gazing. Rock quarry. Lizards. Geckos. Cockcroaches. Slat windows. Antivolt. Potholed-roads. Gravol. Fields. Lush landscape. 

Flowing falls. Cold showers. Simplicity. Lack of vanity. Clothes lined on ground to dry. Family. Card games. Steak au sauce crème. Street food. Aleco. Pizza loaf. Stable. Freddy. LeRoy. Belle. Kerrianne. Cherise. Cori. Older mentors. Blister sisters. Delayed planes. Pool outtings. Internet cafés. Guesthouse. Barrels. Peppered KD. Driver ants. Dalaba. Rollerblading at airport. River outtings. Termite hill. Guns. Barbed wire. Evacuation. The islands. IFF. Yamosoukro. Medicals. Lice checks. Dining hall. Noon rest. PE. Kickball. Petite pateau. Upper and lower court. Sunday packages. Emails. Pippi. Phillipe. Guinea pigs. Braided hair. Mystery meals. Book with B for M&D. Couch potato cake. Solar panels. Fragmented movies. Computer fans. Chips challenge. Arabic tea. 

Sunday movies. Saturday nintendo. White glove test. 500 franc Mars bars. Aminata. Mamadi. Howa. Bolocada. Huts. Garbage pits. Panye. Peanut sauce. Markets. Halfbuilt concrete boxes. Tile. Mold scented walls. Gated walls. Overly stuffed bikes/taxis. Coconuts. Lizards. Snakes. Tiny frog hunting. Pretend fort building. Pouring rain runnings. Toll roofs. Banquets. Musicals. Miss Epp. "Aunt" and "Uncle." Reeses. Aunt Janice. Larry Pixie. Polly pockets. Pet shop. Ants. Dorms. African culture week. Sing 'n whale/wail. Chapel. Sunday school. Papaya pill swallowings. Bible baseball. Pilgrims progress. Dog bone pillow. Napkin folding. Scorpions. Bantums. Beavers. Bees. Bethesda. Bethany. Baraka. River crossing/barge. Spiked security stops. Malaria. Worms. Meat sticks.

Tropical country. The trigger. I need to grieve. I grieve. For what I lost. For what I left behind, expecting to return. 


Who will I be?

[AndreasS] "life of excellence" CC
He passed away this week.
This man,
visited oft by those he loves,
by those he has cared for,
pastored, mentored.
A man of gratitude,
of prayer,
of humility.
A man that fought to serve his Lord.

In sixty,
or seventy years,
who do I want to be?

Do I want to be a woman
So proud
So stubborn
that she can't accept the help that she needs?

Or like the man
who is so embittered with life,
so hardened by strife,
that to be with people,
is too big a risk to take--
it may just cause more pain.

Or a woman who laughs,
who shares her opinion,
so honest, so close to rude,
but fun to be with,
to tease, to laugh with.

Or the woman so gracious,
so thankful, so kind.
Who cares about you, and where you have been.
Who has raised kids quite alike as her.

I serve them.
I bathe them.
I pull up their briefs.
I feed them.
I clean up their home.

These people,
are pictures.
Of who I could be.
In sixty,
seventy years.

If I hold on to pain.
If I hold on to fear.
I could be like him...or her.

If I serve my Lord faithfully,
If I smile, and laugh.
If I love, and forgive.
Then I could be like him.
Christ-like, forgiven.
Loving and gracious,
even at ninety-one.


As You do.

Original pen and ink drawing for "The Weaker Sex," illustration by Charles Dana Gibson
I had a different experience today,
one I'm not sure I have had before.
I have walked into countless churches,
countless times.
Since I was a babe.
I have always felt the part,
(Mostly) Always welcomed.
At least not rejected.
Until today.
One step in.
Two ladies, hair piled atop their heads
Skirts grazing floor.
One. Looking right through me,
Shaking her head
From side to side.
So blatant, so sure,
Of me.
But what did I do?
My dress? It doesn't reach the floor.
My hair? It's trimmed and hangs down past my jaw.
"Our hair, our glory."
My mind recalls these words from days passed.
By people who love the same God as I.
By those who strive for "perfect love."
Out of place. Uncomfortable.
In a building with a portrait
Of the very same Christ I try to serve.
It's my turn,
to say:
I am sorry.
For the times I have walked away,
based on your clothes,
your hair,
your opinion,
or your education.
I am called
To love.
My brother, sister, friend.
The stranger. The lost. The broken.
The ladies with the long hair.
The long skirts.
Forgive me, Father.
For not seeing them as You do.
For not loving them as You do.



do you want to get well?

A curious thing about restoration is that it doesn’t need doing. Strictly speaking, life carries on without it. Restoration is an invasion of sorts. It’s fixing something that’s broken, but broken so long it’s almost mended. This man, this woman—they’ve already adapted to their misfortunes, made all the necessary adjustments. Restoration meddles with what they’ve learned to handle, removes what they’ve learned to live with, bestows what they’ve learned to live without. Replacements have been found already, thank you all the same.
These people are doing fine just the way they are. They’ve learned to live this way. They’ve almost accepted it. They’ve taught themselves tricks to bypass it, to contain it. To utilize it, even. They’ve built lives around not being whole. They've learned, if not to welcome, at least not to spurn those things their sickness drags in with it. They've learned not to mourn the absence of those things it chases away. Secretly, perhaps, they have come to love their illness.
Sickness can actually steal the place of God. It can become the sick person's centre, the touchstone by which he defines himself. Illness is a tyrant with huge territorial ambitions. It is a seductress with large designs. It wants not only the sick person's body. It wants his heart and mind also. It wants to be his all-consuming passion. 
No wonder Jesus once asked a man he meant to heal, "Do you want to get well?" (John 5:6). Maybe the man didn't, strange as it sounds. Maybe his sickness had become his haven, his lover, his overlord. And no wonder Jesus was so responsive to any old beggar or leper or blind man who threw caution to the wind and outright begged for healing. 
Not everyone wants to get well.
It's the most natural thing to befriend your sickness, even, after long association, to depend upon it. Imagine any of the people Jesus heals. Their entire lives--their physical lives, for sure, but also their emotional and intellectual and relational lives--all have taken shape around their injuries or diseases. That man at the pool of Bethesda whom Jesus first asks if he wants to get well, for instance. 
He's been there thirty-eight years. His entire existence has narrowed down to the daily drama of his lifelong suffering: the sores on his undersides, the ghostly sensations flitting along his nerves. He likely has a fermenting resentment toward those whose lot seems a margin better than his own, and a smug disdain toward those whose lot appears slightly worse. At night, sleeping on some narrow cot, he must dream of his place, its people, its shapes, its textures: the old man, rotund and dewlap, stretched across the wet stones, muttering and shaking his heavy jowls; the young girl, rawboned and waxy skinned, with a voice faint as a handrubbing cloth; the sound when the water churns, like big boulders falling at a distance; the sudden billowing at the pool's surface, an eruption of froth and steam, and the tumult of bodies heaving, flailing, lurching, as each rushes to find a place before the others do. 
Thirty-eight years of monotony. Thirty-eight years of futility. Thirty-eight years of self-pity. Thirty-eight years of poisonous envy and secret pride. Thirty-eight years of never being able to work, travel, make love, cook, care for children, or fix an oxcart. Thirty-eight years of life without options. Thirty-eight years of life without obligations. He carries burdens, yes, but one he's never carried is the weight of others' expectations.
For thirty-eight years.
And then Jesus shows up one day and changes all that. One word from Jesus, and all thirty-eight years fall behind the man, vanish in a blink, and a future he stopped daring to imagine stands vivid and solid before him. He can do all the things he never could and ever wanted to do. He can do them here and now--for Jesus' miracle joins healing and therapy in one terse command. Muscles spongy from years of idleness suddenly grow taut and supple. Bones spindly from never bearing the body's full weight turn instantly thick and sturdy. Balance all topsy-turvy from chronic proneness immediately calibrates for walking, running, dancing, leaping.
And now the man can work and pay taxes. And now he can marry and take on domestic responsibilities. And now he can build a home and fix its roof when it leaks and shim the door when it skews crooked. And now he relinquishes the unique status suffering bestows on a man and enters the anonymity that comes with being well. Now he loses the strange privilege of sickness and takes up the everyday obligations of health. He's just like everybody else now. We expect things of him.
Do you want to get well?
Restoration shocks the system. It alters not just our health--it alters our world. All that we establish to placate or indulge or accommodate our sickness disintegrates with those stark words, "Take up your mat, and go."
Do you want to get well?

(From Rest of God, Mark Buchanan)


The Battle

The Battle Over Me
I Am Clay

As the battle’s raging on over my life
I’ll give it all to you
I’ll give it all to you my lord

So can I lean into you a little more, a little more

Can I lay at your feet for a little longer my Lord
So can I lean into you a little more, a little more
Can I lay at your feet for a little longer my Lord

As the battle’s raging on over my time
I’ll spend it all on you
I’ll spend it all on you my Lord
As the battle’s raging on over my time
I’ll spend it all on you
I’ll spend it all on you my Lord

So can I lean into you a little more, a little more
Can I lay at your feet for a little longer my Lord
So can I lean into you a little more, a little more
Can I lay at your feet for a little longer my Lord

'Cause I'm choosing the good part
I'm choosing the good part

Just this one thing we long to do 
Our hearts refrain to turn to you 
Just this one thing we long to do 
Our hearts refrain to turn to you

So can I lean into you a little more, a little more
Can I lay at your feet for a little longer my Lord
So can I lean into you a little more, a little more
Can I lay at your feet for a little longer my Lord

'Cause I'm choosing the good part
I'm choosing the good part


...between who you aspire to be, and who you are. (from Daring Greatly, Brené Brown)

Hebrews 10